are you still awake?

that's such a loaded question with me.
what it really means is,
"are you awake? and can you listen to me?"
it won't be pleasant.
no sunshine and rainbows and butterflies.
if i need you at midnight
its dark and it's depressing
it's my last stop before i leave.
usually, i want you to tell me to stay on the ride
to wait it out. that it will be ok.
but lately, i've wondered if i've gone as far as i can go.
life is so hard.
and everyone tells me it just gets harder.

sometimes, Jefferson is the only thing that keeps me breathing.
because he needs me and i know no one can love him like i do.
i know other people love him and for that i am thankful.
but he he my whole heart
he knows when im sad
he cuddles with me when i cry
i want to hold on to that little dog for the rest of my life.

i should probably see a therapist.
but i'm so sick of talking
of talking and never getting answers
of talking and things just getting more complicated
and i don't want to be put on medication.
i know what i want from therapy, but it's entirely impossible.
i want a magic button
i want to lay everything out on the table
and have someone put the peices back together
to put my life back together and let me live it
in happiness.

it's too bad i'm afraid of dying
because i feel like i die a little everytime i get this way
i so very much miss the days i would pop a sleeping pill everytime i woke up
so i could sleep for days at a time
i miss not being dependent on food.
even the word "food" is ugly
the sound, the spelling. it's not pleasant.
i feel disgusted with what i've become.

how fantastic it would be if i could sleep this all away.

I'd love to make a decision I know is right.

Why am I full of mistakes?